The Mental Games of Dating - Volume III: Men’s Communication

In a world where many people suffer from insecurity and have difficulty overcoming painful situations in their pasts it can be easy to understand why people continue to play games when dating. Though many might prefer a more straight forward approach during courtship it can be difficult to progress in the dating world without an understanding of how the games are played; what they mean and how to best navigate the routes that most commonly lead to success.
A single action or phrase can have many different meanings; some of these however can at least be depended on most of the time to have a particular meaning. While there may not be a certain set of steps to take to ensure that your date is a success, certainly there are some tips that may help in preventing you from making a disastrous mistake.
One of the most difficult steps to take when dating is making the first move; whether it’s asking a person out for the first time, or trying to personalize the conversation, it can be a difficult step. Often people are reluctant to move forward without any sign that the other person is interested; unfortunately to produce any definite signs of attraction usually requires that first to be made. Because most people fear rejection, they will hesitate; even refuse to make the first move however badly they want to. If you become certain that it will be up to you to make that first move, it is important to look for signs from the other person that indicate how that move will be received. If you detect any signs that make you feel as if rejection is sure to follow, it may be best to wait until either they make the first move, or you see something that reassures you that action is welcome.
Some of the most basic signs that a person is not hoping for an advance in either conversation, or physically might be:

• Moving away from you, or avoiding touching you


• Become distracted during the conversation; lack of eye contact


• Talk about issues that may steer the conversation away from anything romantic


• Showing signs that they have no interest in being alone with you


• Not returning calls or text messages

Though these kinds of signs may not be considered those used when playing games, they are essential to pay attention to in order to prevent any type of rejection; the refusal to take the first step, though it might be exactly what you want to do, is a part of the game. There are people who find it extremely attractive if a person shows a lack of interest and this too is an action that is used when playing games. Another aspect of making the first move is that it may indicate the aggressor in the relationship; which can be a turn-on, or turn-off depending upon the person’s feelings. When in the beginning stages of dating it can be difficult to know how a person feels about these kinds of issue simply because you do not know them well enough to make an accurate assumption.

When it comes to making the first move what is often required is a steady balance between revealing enough to let the other person know that you are interested and not revealing enough of your feelings that you appear to be desperate. It is a tricky and narrow path to walk, which may explain why so many people fear the rejection that can so easily follow that first move.

Beginning with the simple task of asking a person out on a date a great deal of how this is accomplished depends on the level of interaction. If this person is someone that you just met, you will have very little to go on as far as common interests are concerned. Because you and this person do not know much, if anything, about each other, you are basically forced to rely on attraction. This knowledge is a little unnerving for anyone who feels that they are not a very attractive person. One of the games often played during this time is an attempt to be attractive by engaging in actions that might catch the attention of the person you are interested in asking out. In bars or clubs this is often achieved by making use of dancing; playing games (pool, darts, etc.) and generally trying to let to other person know that you attractive in personality, without actually speaking to them. If this game is well played, you will find that the person is often looking in your direction, perhaps even smiling at you when your eyes meet. Just as telling, when a person immediately looks away when you look at them, this often means that they are interested, but not yet ready to admit it.

When asking out a person who you know somewhat well; e.g. a friend of a friend; family member or co-worker there are more options available to you than a complete stranger. To begin with, you can usually obtain some basic knowledge about the person and by doing so have a few ideas of how to spark some good conversation. Another huge bonus of this kind of meeting is that if there are any major topics or habits to avoid you will probably receive a warning from the person who introduced you. Perhaps one of the best additions to this kind of interaction is that if the conversation becomes stale, you can always talk about the person you both know; this is something that you will have in common to fall back on. Under these circumstances the first move of asking a person out is usually implied by the person in common and would be thought of as a set up; however if the agenda of your first meeting is to decide whether or not you would like to go on a date with the person, you may feel many of the same pressures as you would with a complete stranger.

Wrap-Up:

• Pay attention to signs that indicate that the person is not interested to avoid unnecessary rejection; body language can often tell you everything you need to know.


• If no clear sign is given that the person would like to be asked out, be patient and wait until you feel certain.


• Try to find out if you have any common interests which may help when asking the person out as you may be able to include these interests in the offer.


• If you and the person have a common friend, relative or co-worker make is of this common link by finding out about the person.


• Don’t assume that a nervous person isn’t interested; some people have difficulty getting their feelings across.

Once you have achieved asking the person out on a date, or getting asked by them, you will probably feel a bit nervous about your first meeting. Something to keep in mind during this time period is that the person wants to go out with you; however it happened, whatever the reason you have a shot at winning them over. The time period between the asking out and the actual date can vary greatly from couple to couple, but however long this time period is it is essential that you make minimal contact with them. To call the person and tell them, for example, that you are excited about the date may seem sweet on the surface and actually is a nice thing to do, however the overall reaction may not be at all the message you want to send. Often if too much contact is made it sends a signal of premature infatuation: in short, you have no reason to like a person so much, so quickly. Now this may seem silly to you, perhaps you really hit it off and you both feel the same way, but more often this simply comes across as desperation. Because you have not had your first official date yet, anything that you do can be interpreted the wrong way. Your sense of humor could be taken the wrong way; your enthusiasm seen as desperation; even a polite phone call to check on the time or place can be an indication (however off base,) that you are not excited about the date and forgot the details as a result of your lack of interest. This result can be true of anything from a family set up to online dating as people often allow their insecurities to dictate their assumptions.

Wrap-Up: Minimal contact between asking out and actual date decreases the chances that something will be misinterpreted; remember that once the person knows you better you will have plenty of chances to talk.

If you have made it this far, it s probably time for the first date and you’ll most likely be experiencing a wide range of emotions as you prepare. While there are many beneficial tips for heading out on your first date we will simply focus on some of the game playing that is common during this time.

One of the oldest games around is the waiting game; originally played by the female, but in no way is it exclusively feminine in this day and age. Though waiting in the home is more likely to take place on a traditional date,(picture the classic of the young buck waiting downstairs with the suspicious father while mom helps a blushing flower upstairs with her hair ribbons,) today it has evolved into simply being late. The game may have originally been played for a series of reasons: perhaps to strip a man of his confidence; by increasing the wait time and putting him in a slightly uncomfortable situation the girl may have had the advantage; by increasing the wait time perhaps women were making a stab at feminism by taking control right at the beginning; or maybe it was the fathers who originally wanted a few minutes to intimidate the boy/man who might not always have the purest thoughts on his mind.

However it began the, waiting game seems to have evolved into a different, but no less intimidating one. Because many people now meet there dates at a specific location, using separate modes of transportation, anyone now has the opportunity to test their date’s patience by arriving late. The idea that the longer a date waits might signal how deep their feelings are for a person is still used today; more commonly the purpose seems now to be to indicate that the late arrival has important things to do and is not too invested in the other person, yet. One of the problems that can come up if trying to use the waiting game as a move is that the other person may become offended by your lateness and what it indicates to them, for this reason it is not often a good move to make. In many cases, the late arrival is in fact the person who is most insecure and must boost their own confidence by portraying themselves as less interested. The reaction to this move, if you should be on the receiving end, can be equally as important; to become too angry or upset may come across as desperate, but to make no mention of it can indicate that you do not respect yourself. The waiting game is a tricky move to enter into a relationship; there are those that play it just right and entice their date even further by stay aloof; however in many cases it backfires completely and results in bad beginning.

Wrap-Up:

• Only play the waiting card if you are fairly certain that the appearance of being relaxed will work in your favor.


• Never play the waiting game with a person who is already insecure.


• If someone plays the waiting move on you do not become overly hostile or you may appear desperate.


• Again, if the waiting move is played on you, do make a small mention of it so that you show the person that you both noticed the person’s absence and that you have enough respect for yourself to say something.

During the date many tiny movements and phrases will be used by both of you in an attempt to get to know each other. Some of these moves will be simple and open, others may be mini games that test the compatibly of each person. Many people enter into this stage without realizing how many games they play over the course of one date; everything from a subtle brush on the hand to laughing at a bad joke can be used to maneuver successfully through the date. One of the most important steps during this time is to pay attention to your date; how they react to what you say and what they choose to reveal about themselves may tell you right away whether or not you see a future, or even just a hot fling.

While many small games will likely be played on the date, the largest one of all is that you are probably both putting your best features on the table while trying to hold back your less attractive ones. It has been argued again and again that this is one of the reasons that so many people break up, or get divorced; because only in time do they reveal their true natures and once this happens the other person is no longer interested. One could argue that in order to ensure long-term success you must avoid as many games and deceptions as possible; while this might be true, when most people are following the unspoken rules of the game, honesty can be easily misinterpreted.

Wrap-Up:

• Most people try to show their best qualities on a date, you will be expected to do the same, just be careful not to lie.


• Don’t be alarmed by the small games played during the date, just try to pay attention to what your date is telling you by playing them. Underneath, most people just want to connect with someone.

If the date ends well and you hope to see the person again a brand new problem arises: when to contact them; how to contact them and what to say? When a date goes very well, people often feel eager to see each other again, they may even want to speak later that day or the next; unfortunately according to the game rules, you can’t contact a person too quickly or they may assume that you are too eager. This can be very difficult for some people, not only are they eager to talk to the person that they hit it off with, but who makes the first move? In some ways it is very much like starting from the beginning again only now the stakes are higher as some real feelings have been invested.

The first thing to decide upon is a time frame for making contact; you will not try to contact the person before said day and if by another said day they have not made the move, you will try to contact them. A comfortable time for many people is three days after the date has taken place, less if the date became incredibly physical. This time frame allows each person a chance to reflect over the time spent together while staying active enough in their regular life that they have new information to share on the next date.

With the many forms of communication in our society it can even be difficult to decide how to contact the person you are interested in. Some people choose to drop in on the person they like, either at home or place of business; this is often a huge mistake. Even under circumstances where both people are eager to see each other again this usually takes the person being dropped in on completely off guard and that can be very uncomfortable. A phone call is less intrusive while still maintaining a nice sense of being connected because you can hear each other’s voices; phone calls also allow the other person a quick getaway if rejection is on the menu. Emailing a person is viewed by many as less personal than a phone call, but can also allow for many things to be expressed that might otherwise be too difficult over the phone or in person. Use extreme caution if email is your method of choice as the person may review what was said as many times as they like and the chances of misinterpretation run higher when using a text method.

In some of the more extreme cases, especially if a date went exceptionally well, a gift is sent as the next form of contact. While this idea is very passionate and endearing for some, others may see it as a sign that things are moving too quickly. Be cautious when deciding to send a gift or flowers to a person as it makes a very loud statement and you don’t want it to be the wrong one.

Wrap-Up

• Don’t make contact too soon after the first date as you appear too desperate or eager.


• Don’t wait too long to make contact either as the other person may assume that you are not interested.


• If possible, bring up the topic of the a second date during the first, but only if it feels extremely comfortable to do so; by getting the other person’s input you may find out exactly how to proceed.


• Choose an appropriate method of contact when you do.


• Use extreme caution when thinking of dropping in or sending gifts to a person that you just met, it may send the wrong signal.


• Never send any written messages to a person at the beginning of a relationship that could be misinterpreted or that you may regret later.

Hopefully, you have now set up your second date and all is still going well. Keep paying attention to the details and remember that while in life sometimes risks are required for success, at other times they are completely unnecessary; maintain the balance between the two and you should sail through the games of dating with little difficulty.

For the best matchmaking advice and unique dating how to articles; as well as a complete list of top online dating websites visit http://www.villagematchmaker.com

The Mental Games of Dating - Volume II: Female Looks and Body Language

A simple look or gesture can have many different meaning and it can be difficult to determine just what a person is trying to communicate through these actions. Particularly in the beginning stages of dating many of the physical signs acted out between two people can be misinterpreted, which can cause a great deal of frustration. Perhaps the only way to truly read a person’s physical behavior accurately is to get to know them; however, because our society often teaches many of the same forms of communication through body language, there are some gestures that many people have in common.

It is through these physical actions that many people, sometimes unknowingly, manipulate situations with their new found romantic interest. Through a series of gestures certain signals are sent and a proper reaction to those signals is expected. While some of these actions may prove to be completely harmless, merely a form of flirtation, others are intended to produce a specific reaction in another person and not always a pleasant one.

Understanding how the physical language works; its’ intended response and how you can choose to either react accordingly, or not; can be of great help when trying to keep a clear head when dating. As simple as it may seem, when a person is attracted to another, they are often manipulated by many kinds of signals that produce an outcome that the person may have never originally desired. Because of this kind of manipulation, both men and women often find themselves regretting certain actions taken during the course of a date and can at times be confused by their own behavior. To eliminate the control of such manipulation so that each action taken by you is your own choice, rather than a nearly automated response to another’s direction, can help you to maintain control of yourself and the direction in which the relationship you are entering into takes.

Though it may never be safe to assume that a certain physical action indicates a particular feeling, in many cases it can be helpful to at least keep the possibility in mind because so many of these actions are common. Because there are so many possibilities when forming the meaning, or intention behind a certain look or physical movement, it can be difficult to know when the intention is positive. This is the focus behind understanding the mental games played behind such actions; how to diagnose the difference between a person who is interested and one who is not.

Basic Unintentional Actions:

• Head Tilting: Many women tilt their heads to one side or the other when trying to appear endearing or flirtatious. It is often an action that is responded to positively and in a tender way as the action is often seen as a youthful one. Though there are many women who are well aware what kind of effect this action has on another person, it is often an action that is produced unintentionally. The common response to this action is to soften in tone of voice and feeling toward the person; in general feelings that are of an affectionate nature maybe stirred. Under the right circumstances there is no harm in being presented with this action; however a person should be aware that it may be used as a manipulative tool in certain situations. If, for example, a woman is trying to persuade another person into doing something that they are hesitant to do, the head tilt might be presented as coercion tactic. Depending upon the situation this action might also be used in attempt to calm another person; while this might be useful under the right circumstances it can also be a form of manipulation when a woman is trying to avoid taking responsibility for some negative prior action.


• Display: Standing; sitting or lying down the human body can look very different depending upon how the limbs are arranged and which parts are flush against other objects. Because when on the dating scene most women hope to present themselves in the most attractive manor possible, this physical action is quite common, though perhaps often unintentional. The important point to notice with this kind of action is that if you suspect that a woman is try to arrange her body in an appealing way, she is most likely attraction to someone within her line of sight. If you and the woman have made eye contact and continue to do so while this action takes place, it may very well be that this action is directed at you. While it is never safe to assume the secondary intention of such an action, the first is almost certainly this: the woman wants you to feel attracted to her. While there may be motives behind her desire to attract you the most common reason is that she finds you attractive; though not certain it is an excellent signal to have witnessed if you are looking for signs that an approach might be welcome.

• Hair Fiddling: More and more people have become aware over the years that when a woman fiddles; adjusts or tosses her hair it often means a great deal more than that she is simply trying to get it out of the way. Women’s hair styles and colors have for centuries been a large factor in attracting a person to her and for that reason many women tend to fiddle wit their hair when they hope to attract attention. An important thing to take note of is that this action may also be a sign of nervousness and a person cannot assume that it means anything more than that she is self conscious of appearing attractive, or at least presentable. Despite the fact that this action can have different meanings which so often the woman may not even be completely aware of one thing is almost certain: if the woman is concerned about her physical appearance there is a good chance that there is someone in her proximity that she hopes to impress, if that person is you, this maybe a signal that she would like to be approached. Even a nervous toss of the hair can mean that a woman is eager to make certain that her appearance is attractive, which often means she has spotted someone who she finds interesting.

Purposeful Manipulative Actions:

• Flashing Skin: Often women enjoy dressing up when heading out onto the dating scene and in many cases this may include a low cut top or blouse; leaning forward to expose more skin or allowing fabric to shift in such a way that it becomes more revealing is often read as a signal. The common goal of this is simply to get the attention of a particular person nearby that the woman may be interested in; however, in some cases this action is not directed at any one person and is simply done out of a necessity to get attention. While this action may prove to be a harmless flirtation there are certain cases where the flash is used simply as a tool of amusement and the intended reaction is merely to shock others and has no invitation attached to it. Because this act can indicate such a wide variety of feelings it is difficult to determine whether or not this means that a woman is actually attracted to anyone around, let alone you in particular. The habit of using this tactic also often indicates a strong possibility of neediness because it has the potential to grab more than one person’s attention and it should be noted that because of the wide net it casts, the lady in question may not be so particular about who’s attention she gets, so long as someone is directing it at her. By direct contrast, the subtle flashing of skin, especially when eye contact is made, can mean that woman is very much interested in pursuing a physical relationship. Though it can be difficult to determine the exact intentions of these actions a good rule to follow is simply: flashing the room-wild and not necessarily interested in you (or anyone); flashing you and making eye contact-more than likely interested in getting to know you better.

• Clothing: Women spend a great deal of time making sure that they choose the right cloths and accessories to wear when dating; many of those choices reflect a great deal more than they might be aware of, but certainly much of the reaction they hoped to achieve from those who see them is planned. A tricky action to follow is determining what a woman’s cloths say about what she is feeling because there are so many styles and mind sets behind them. While a short skit does not ever necessarily mean that a woman is on the prowl for physical action, nor does a longer one guarantee that a woman isn’t interested some basic choices and actions in those choices can be commonly read. Color, for example is an excellent indication of mood, or at the very least the mood the woman was in when she dressed. Bright and vibrant colors can often be expected to be worn by woman who are feeling happy, assertive and want to be noticed. White is often a clean, perhaps tranquil and even a little reserved color; this is often true of many of the lighter beige colors as well. Muted and baggy clothes tend to be worn by women who are feeling a little down or insecure and do not wish to draw to much attention. Dark colors and black (or dark gray,) often are worn when a woman is feeling particularly sexy. Though not a sure fire way to tell whether or not a woman is interested in your approach, colors can be an excellent way to sweep a room and make a guess at what message a woman is trying to send out.

Some of the choices made in clothing styles are fairly obvious; such as tight fitting or skimpy clothing indicating that a woman wants to be looked at; but some of the choices made are far more intricate than one might imagine. One example of this planned physical movement might be a loose necked top or sweater that has a tenancy to fall off of the shoulder. Make no mistake, when that shirt slides casually from her collar bone to her arm this is often planned. It allows the woman to appear as if she is not trying to be sexy, while still showing a little skin and thus attracting another person. Another common example of this kind of action is when a woman wears a short skirt and purposefully bends herself in such a way that she will be showing off to anyone behind her. This is a very pointed action and is usually a good way to tell whether or not she is trying to attract attention. Though there is a possibility that the woman did drop something that needed to be picked up, a person can often tell whether or not the woman means it to be sexy, or not, by the way in which bends down: if the action is more of a squat than a bend it is highly likely that it is not meant to attraction attention, however is she bends her legs as little as possible there is a strong possibility that she is trying to draw attention to her physical form.

If a person is careful to observe just a few of the many physical signs that women give off, whether intentional or otherwise, the process of approaching and getting to know a woman can often be accomplished with much greater success. Though it may take patience and practice to learn; having a better understanding of the actions women take when in a social environment can help to avoid the general pitfalls that make dating a stressful game.

For the best matchmaking advice and unique dating how to articles; as well as a complete list of top online dating websites visit http://www.villagematchmaker.com